I love Joe Biden. I love how Joe Biden loves him some Joe Biden. All politicians love themselves, but Joe Biden takes self-love to a level that would make Narcissus shake his head and say, “Dude,” before slowly backing out of the room. The only thing Joe Biden needs to do to make me love him more is start referring to himself in the third person. Also, Joe Biden should always be called by his full name. It’s just one of those names, like Genghis Khan or Chi Chi LaRue. Have you noticed that Joe Biden suffers from inappropriate smile syndrome? Watch Joe Biden when the Senate Judiciary Committee is holding a hearing and it’s his turn to pretend to ask questions. He may be reading from his notes (wearing those ab fab half-glasses!) or just droning on about the pet hamster he had as a kid that taught him some valuable lesson, but literally every 5 or 10 seconds he’ll look up at the poor sap who’s supposed to be answering questions and give him a big smile. I think this is supposed to convey sincere reassurance but it’s so obviously phony and bizarre that it gives him more of an “I could very easily cut you into McNugget-sized pieces with a chainsaw and store your body parts in my Sub-Zero” vibe. We could do with more of this in our leaders. That’s why I also love John Bolton – he’s exactly what we need in an ambassador to an organization composed of thieving bureaucrats and murdering tyrants. You just know Johnny wouldn’t hesitate to stick a serrated blade in someone’s gut and twist it until a good portion of the intestine was hanging out, which he would then slurp down as if it were Mom’s linguini after football practice.
I remember when I first heard about the Senate trying to pass a law against flag burning, I thought they were passing a law against flab burning. This got me excited figuring out how much time I would save by not going to the gym until I realized that the answer was "no time." Back when I was working out I once shared a "pec deck" with Fabio at Crunch Gym in Hollywood. I thought to myself, "He's very pretty." Then I looked at how much weight he was using and decided to keep that thought to myself. I'm glad I did. Honestly it's not even that he was that pretty, it was more that my girlfriend and I had recently broken up. Good times, though, working out with Fabio. If my girlfriend hadn't dumped me we might be married by now and I could tell our kids about the time I worked out with Fabio. But I guess now that will never happen.
Where did all the Maker's Mark go?