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Saturday, June 24, 2006

A Relaxing Weekend

I find that often the best way to relax is to rectally administrate some vicodin using the cold water extraction process. I'll usually start with six extra-strenth pills, which usually leaves me with a about 40mg of pure hydrocodone in a glass of cold water. Sometimes I use a beaker and pretend I'm the Bizarro Mr. Wizard. This makes me smile. I'll then use an eyedropper or some such thing to anally inject the solution. An enema is better, but I find that they're never around when you need them, like last night at 3am.

You should feel the effects within 20 minutes. Radiohead's Kid A and Amnesiac are perfect for this experience, as is the music of Sigur Ros. I would caution the kids at home against listening to any Iron Maiden while experiencing the pleasure of rectally-induced hydrocodone. Even the early, pre-Bruce Dickinson stuff. Also stay away from Pantera.

Just make sure you know what you're doing before you give yourself an enema. It is possible to injure yourself if you do it wrong, believe you me! And let me tell you, constantly having to make up stories to tell the ER people sucks. My advice is to think of your rectum as Carnegie Hall and practice, practice, practice!

(Note to self: remember to ask publisher about getting this one syndicated. Maybe Commentary or Tikkun?)

Anonymous FIAR said...

Heh, The Tikkun cover said "Building a movement."

Man, you are just weird.

Blogger The Cranky Insomniac said...

Why? Because I try to provide some hopefully comic relief in a blogosphere filled with people yelling at each other?

I won't even mention the oddity of the guy who wrote a post comparing weaponized Sarin to mustard calling me weird. Not that it wasn't funny, but if we're gonna start making judgments...

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go build a movement.

-The Increasingly Cranky Insomniac


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