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Monday, June 12, 2006

If Al-Qaeda issued press releases


Al-Muhajer to Replace
Murdered AQI Leader al-Zarqawi
(Death to America)


16 Jumada 'l-Ula 1427AH - Abu Hamza al-Muhajer has been appointed the new leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq, Al Qaeda Worldwide Executive Director Osama bin Laden announced today. Al-Muhajer's appointment was confirmed by acclamation by Al Qaeda in Iraq's Executive Council. He replaces the murdered former leader of AQI, Abu Musaab al-Zarqawi.

"I am grateful to the Council for their unanimous selection," said al-Muhajer. "Although nobody can truly replace my brother Abu Musaab, I am honored to be given this opportunity to serve Allah and the Prophet Muhammed, peace be unto Him. Death to America."

Al-Zarqawi was killed last week after being injured by the bombs of the cowardly Americans. The infidels then proceeded to beat and torture him until he Allah took him to Paradise, where he is now in the company of many virgins and our beloved Prophet (peace be unto Him). (Death to America.)

"Abu Hamza is a beloved brother with holy war experience and a strong footing in knowledge," said Ayman Al-Zawahiri, AQW's Associate Executive Director. "I'm pleased that AQI's Council made such a wise choice. Truly, the spirit of the Prophet, peace be unto Him, must have been with them. Death to America."

Although al-Muhajer's true name and full biography cannot be revealed because of security reasons, he is widely considered to be among the best liberators of the people working today, with a strong background in both Sharia law and the making of explosive devices. "If the Americans knew who he was they would be even more terrified than their womanlike soldiers already are," said AQW Executive Director bin Laden. "Even as their Marines bathe themselves in the blood of innocent Iraqi children and the filthy swinelike Jews run their foreign policy, the Americans will continue to learn that their decadent ways of the flesh are no match for the Holy Warriors of Al Qaeda Worldwide and its subsidiary Al Qaeda in Iraq," concluded bin Laden, quickly adding, "Death to America."

-30-

Anonymous SeanS said...

I think I saw that press release on Al Jazeera. Very funny.

22:51  
Anonymous Chris said...

That's spot on accurate of how an actual release would be worded.

Funny stuff you got there.

11:27  

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