To: Greg Gutfeld
Here is the initial Strategic Communications and Public Relations Plan that you "requested." We "look forward" to working with you as you move forward with your "exciting business venture."
1. We would caution against initially targeting those countries in which the "Internet" is "censored" or "banned competely." Please remember that if those people wanted the freedom to access information, they wouldn't have chosen to live under systems that don't allow this. If the North Koreans wanted to be free, why would they keep re-electing Kim Jongl-il? If people in Darfur didn't need the adrenaline rush that comes with the constant fear of being "raped" or "hacked to pieces," they would move somewhere else, wouldn't they? While it makes sense to target an "xtreme" culture like this eventually (and we can certainly get you the people who came up with the Mountain Dew campaigns when you're ready), we would strongly "recommend" that you build up some "street cred" first. Also, it has been "brought to our attention" by many in the "media" that Muslims don't like "freedom" either, so we would additionally advise staying out of those markets.
2. We noticed that you cite the "Journal for Variable Binding" as if it is an "objective source." Perhaps you are unaware that it is considered by many to be nothing but "a shill" for the Society of Binders (SOB). We feel strongly that a venture such as yours should not be seen to be "in bed" with "Big Binder."
3. On a similar note, using the word "binder" in this context may be offensive to "Oriental cultures" in which the custom of foot binding is beloved by women. To avoid "rioting" and "calls for your beheading," we would recommend that you choose a different term that shows you don't make "judgments" about "non-Western cultures." We are perfectly happy to assist you with this choice, if you would like.
4. While it's farsighted of you to explore possibilities such as sending information to people without having to show up at their houses, it seems to us that "your eyes may be bigger than your stomach." Why not concentrate your resources on the basics before investing in technologies that may or may not even be feasible? We assume you're talking about using some kind of "robots" or "cyborgs" for this, and our fear is that the "money men" may be "turned off" by this, particularly if they saw that movie with Will Smith. Remember, you are targeting your pitch at investors, who by nature tend to be cautious. Don't scare them off with "science fiction-like concepts" such as "non-human delivery systems" or "non face-to-face methods of contacting customers." (We are certainly aware that the notion of being able to "talk to" clients without them being physically in your presence is being toyed with at the "highest levels", but we would caution that even if the experiments pan out, it will be many years before such an application will be "cost-effective" for civilian use.)
5. Your associate "J2" is absolutely right to caution against possible lawsuits. Indeed, we believe that you may want to reconsider targeting the "mentally disturbed" and "handicapped," "IR rings" or not. As we see from many of your "commenters," the sad fact is that many of these people are simply not "handicapable" of understanding the value of your service. Additionally, a "large number" of "these people" actually enjoy Mr. Pibb, so we would advise against the selection of that particular flavor if your goal is to prevent the consumption of the "IR rings." Instead, we would recommend the use of whatever flavor NASCAR uses on its tires to keep these "people" away from its races. If you are "amenable" to this, we would contact NASCAR for you. However, we have come up with an "exciting" idea that you may want to consider: From a "PR" point of view, it may actually be BENEFICIAL for the "mentally challenged" to eat the "IR rings." The marketing possibilities for this are considerable: One, you would be providing a food source for the "less fortunate" among us. Two, you would also be providing a built-in, "ecofriendly" means for the disposal of your product. Using this "pitch," we feel certain we could get you a "celebrity-spouse" endorsement from someone such as "Laurie David." While she's obviously not someone of the same level as Marjoe Gortner, every "little bit" helps. (Also, Anthony Zerbe is not dead, he's just taking the decade off. We can get him for you, if you still want him.) Should you decide to go in this "direction," we would recommend flavoring the "IR rings" with patchouli.
6. Finally, we highly recommend changing the name of your company from "ANDYGUT" to "AndyGut." The use of a capital letter rather than a space to distinguish words in a "compound name corporate name" is something we feel will soon "catch on" in many industries, and numerous "studies" using the latest in "focus testing" technology have shown that people associate this practice with "cutting edge" technologies.
We hope this initial Strategic Communications and Public Relations Plan meets with your approval, and we "look forward" to your response.
The Cranky Insomniac