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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Mayor Bloomberg: a medical update

[Preliminary notes of a Dr. C. Insomniac, concerning the diagnosis of patient Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York City]

Recent statements have confirmed our earlier report that New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg's anti-psychotic medications are no longer working. As we noted then:
[It is] obvious that New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg has built up a tolerance to whatever anti-psychotics or mood stabilizers he's currently on, to the point where they have no effect whatsoever.
Careful study of the New York Post (America's Paper of RecordTM), whose doctors had as late as last week failed to recognize the precarious state of Bloomberg's mind, shows that the patient's condition has now deteriorated to the point that even they concur with our conclusion. (See general editorial headed "Time To Mellow Out, Mike," in which the Post notes that the patient, never the best friend of personal freedom, has gone absolutely batty lately.)

On Tuesday, Hizzoner ripped into lawmakers who seek to rein in governments that abuse their eminent-domain powers.

"You would never build any big thing any place in any big city in this country if you didn't have the power of eminent domain," Mayor Mike said. Lawmakers, he said, don't "appreciate the crucial importance of eminent domain to our ability to shape our own future."

Note that Mayor Bloomberg says "our ability to shape our own future," rather than "my ability to control your future," even though the latter is what he means. This is a classic psychosis often suffered by politicians, known as "Goose and Gander Syndrome," or simply, "GAGS." People with GAGS believe that what's good for them is good for the people. Gaggers come to equate their own future with the future of the body politic, and usually come to believe that it's only natural that they should force through this dystopian vision for the good of everyone. (Sidenote for future paper on GAGS: Sometimes we forget that there's a difference between a politician with a vision and a politician who's just seeing things.)

While it at first may seem odd that a multi-millionaire would have such a cavalier opinion of private property, it actually makes perfect sense to GAGS researchers. In fact, this is a particularly prevalent side effect of GAGS, in which the sufferer loses his ability to see or feel hypocrisy. This often leads to unfortunate Tourette's-like episodes, during which the Gagger may rant against the evil of something that he himself does, proclaim the immorality of something that he himself finds pleasurable, or - in the worst cases - attempt to make illegal things that just really bother him. (Note that GAGS sufferers are not limited to one political party. Indeed, this disease does not discriminate, targeting everyone from Howard Dean and Hillary Clinton, to William Bennett and John McCain.)

In addition to his GAGS-associated symptoms, the patient also seems to sufer from Metallic Object Disorientation Syndrome (MODS), which has resulted in the loss of his ability to differentiate between types of metallic objects:

"They're not bringing them into school," Bloomberg huffed. "We're not going to allow guns in the classroom, and we're not going to allow knives in the classroom, we're not going to allow box cutters, we're not going to allow iPods and cellphones, these kinds of things."

Cellphones and iPods are like guns and knives? Mike needs to breathe into a bag.

We concur that this would be a good first line of treatment, but this alone will not cure the Mayor. As the Post's diagnostic history lays out:

Now, it's not like Bloomberg's merely having a bad week.

No, his "we know best what's good for you" self-righteousness has been evident for years, not only in his arrogant rhetoric, but also in his policies - from his take-no-prisoners smoking ban, to his nanny-state public-health agenda, to his efforts to oust developer Larry Silverstein from Ground Zero.

While there is no known cure for either GAGS or MODS, studies have shown that their effects can be controlled by removing the sufferer from a position of public authority. It is true that this can sometimes result in difficulties for localities by flooding PTAs, church and temple boards, etc., with recovering patients who still manifest symptoms, but this is considered an acceptable risk, particularly as it is often the case that nobody notices a difference anway. (This makes sense: much of what we know about GAGS has been gleaned through the study of those types of organizations.)

In conclusion, because we are a government-funded organization, our recommendation is that further study is needed.

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