President Ahmadinejad: C'mon, fellas, I'm dying here. Have you seen how high my negatives are in America?End excerpt.
Khameini: I know, I know. We're working in it.
Ahmadinejad: Working on it doesn't make the cat come home. I need something now!
Khimeini: How about a flattering article in the Tehran Times?
Ahmadinejad: [sarcastically] Yeah, that'll really help my numbers in the US.
Khameini: What if we get some pictures of you kissing little babies?
Ahmadinejad: Dude, are you serious? Kissing babies? That's the best you've got?
Khomeini: Wait...wait...wait...I've got it!
Ahmadinejad: [sighs] Oh, this'll be good.
Khomeini: No, no, check it out. We write a letter to President Bush!
Khameini: You're an idiot.
Khimeini: You're crazy, bro.
Ahmadinejad: Wait. I wanna hear more about this letter. What would I say?
Khomeini: Okay, let's see. How about this: The letter is not really from one head of state to another, it's a personal thing, just a guy talking to another guy, y'know, talking about things you have in common, chicks you've both slept with - okay forget that one, but you know what I mean.
Ahmadinejad: [intrigued] Go on...
F. Hussein: [jumping in] Yeah, you could talk about how you're both really religious, right?
Khameini: [horrified] But Bush is an infidel!
T. Hussein: [excited] You're missing the point, G. You've gotta think outside the box! Sure, they're different religions, but they both believe that they're directed by the will of Allah.
Khimeini: Nobody's gonna buy that.
Khomeini: Really? I'll bet you your third wife that a lot of people will. In fact, I'll go double or nothing for twelve of your goats that not only will a whole bunch of Americans buy that idea, they'll go even further and compare Bush's beliefs to our President's and say that really they're no different.
K. Hussein: So this letter will humanize our leader and also make Bush look bad?
Ahmadinejad: That's beautiful! Khomeini, you are a fucking genius! We'll have people who really should know better talking about Bush like he's a religious fanatic bent on world domination, and at the same time they'll start thinking that maybe I'm not so bad after all! Pretty soon this whole thing will be blamed on Bush and I'll be the loveable underdog who dared to stand up to him! That's totally rad!
Khumeini: The blogs will be key.
Ahmadinejad: Good thinking. Start with Sullivan. He's got a big audience and he halfway believes this crap already.
Khomeini: We'll work up a whole list of sites that we should target.
Ahmadinejad: Okay, now we're cooking with uranium! I want to see a draft of this letter by noon. Nice work, Khymeini.
Khomeini: Um, I'm Khomeini, sir.
Ahmadinejad: Whatever. [under his breath] You are so dead.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
What follows are excerpts from a high level staff meeting called by Iranian President Ahmadinejad on Friday, May 5, 2006. The excerpts, which were apparently obtained by the NSA, have been translated into colloquial English. Names are used wherever possible.