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Friday, April 14, 2006

Good Friday: This day in history

This day in history: Thanks to the recent discovery by renowned archaeologist Martin van Nostrand, it is now known that on Good Friday in the year 33AD, the world's first outgoing voicemail message was left by Jesus of Nazareth. Dr. van Nostrand and his team discovered this message buried in an earthen pot at a dig just outside what were once the city walls of ancient Meggido. Along with the actual message, several fragments were found that are thought to be previous failed attempts by Jesus to get the message exactly how he wanted it. Presented here for the first time ever are the results of the painstaking translation process, which coincidentally (Providentially?) ended at just the right time for the release the transcript to occur on Good Friday, the anniversary of their recording.

This transcription has been translated from the original Aramaic by Professor Thomas Sunderssen of Hebrew University:

Hey, it's Jesus of Nazareth. I'm not here right now so leave a..wait, that's do you reset this thing...hold on, I think you hit 9...

Hey this is the Notorious SOG* and I'm away for the weekend so just [sound of coughing]...[muttered] this is all Judas' fault...

"Hey, you've reached The Lamb*. It's Friday, and I'm unavailable to take your tall, so...Daddammit!...

"What up, what up, it's Lambo* y'all. It's Friday and I can't take your call, but I'm planning my return for Sunday, so leave a message with your name and village of birth and I'll get back to you then.

At this time we have found no evidence of any incoming messages, and two distinct schools of thought have arisen regarding this. One group believes that it is simply a matter of time before such messages are found; the other is certain that no incoming messages exist, mainly due to the fact that the telephone wouldn't actually be invented for another 1,843 years.

*Thanks in large part to these tapes, we now know that Jesus had various street names, including the ones seen above. Others included Jesus H., J-Dawg, Nazzy J and, simply, Naz. Additionally, some Gnostic gospels refer to Jesus as "My Lizzle and Sizzle," but it is not yet known what this means.

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