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Thursday, August 31, 2006

Now it can be told!

So who knew it was such a big deal that I haven't posted in a while?

Seriously, I appreciate the emails I've been getting, wondering where the hell I am, and (occasionally) who the hell I think I am to not post regularly any more. I'm honestly touched, especially considering that it's not as though I had thousands of readers.

Here's the deal: A couple months ago I started writing for/with Greg Gutfeld at his newly launched sites, including The Daily Gut, Big God Blog and Al-Zarqawi's Mom's Blog. Then about a month ago, Greg asked me if I wanted to completely take over writing Mama Zarq. I immediately said yes, because for some reason this New York Jew has an affinity for the thoughts of the Jordanian Arab Muslim mother of a terrorist - or as she refers to him, an innocent victim of Bush's illegal war. So the bottom line is that I've let this site slip as I've gotten into being Afifah full-time, while at the same time posting every so often at Daily Gut and Big God Blog.

I don't want to shut down Cranky completely, especially with midterm elections coming up. I have a feeling I'll want to write some (semi-) serious stuff as they get closer. But for now I'm having a lot of fun writing over at the other sites, so I'm not gonna be posting anywhere near regularly over here for at least a little while.

Then again, if there's a huge public outcry for the return of the Cranky Insomniac, who knows? (I'm just sayin...)

Honestly, though, thanks to all of you who for some odd reason enjoyed my writing. I'm sure I'll see you back here at some point, but in the meantime I hope you'll check out the stuff I'm doing now.


Saturday, August 05, 2006


A friend of mine, Nick Brendon, is an alcoholic. (He played Xander on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.) About three years ago, a bunch of us held an intervention for him, which resulted in him going to Promises, the well-known rehabilitation center in Malibu. He went, got out, and within a month or so was drinking again. Eventually he checked himself back in, and since then has not touched a drop of alcohol, has quit smoking, and is leading a wonderful life.

Nicky has been remarkeably - and bravely - open about his experiences, so I'm not betraying any confidences in relating this information. The reason I do so is because Nick is a totally different person than he was when he was drinking, and he'd be the first to tell you so. Which brings me to Mel Gibson.

I've heard the expression "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts" thrown around in regards to Gibson's heinous anti-Semitic rant of the other night. And that's all well and good, except for the fact that there's a huge difference between a drunk and an alcoholic, and the people castigating Gibson the most don't seem to understand this. When someone who's not an alcoholic gets drunk, he may say or do things he wouldn't dream of while sober, but ultimately he's still being himself. However, as anyone who knows an alcoholic is painfully aware, when that person drinks, it is very often a Jekyll and Hyde situation.

I'm Jewish, just to get that out there. I saw The Passion of the Christ on opening day and found it to be a powerful and moving, if flawed, piece of filmmaking. Did I think it was ultimately "anti-Semitic"? I did not. Did I wish Gibson had filmed some scenes differently? Absolutely. I particularly remember the scene in which Roman centurions are shown going up to Jewish houses, knocking on the doors, and giving money to Jews to speak against Jesus. This scene is extra-biblical and does nothing but reinforce the hateful stereotype that Jews will do anything for money. (Although I must say that in discussing the film with Christian friends, that scene seemed to barely register with them.)

Anyone who thinks that the degree of vitriol and loathing emanating from the left against Gibson is not politically motivated is kidding himself. Lest we forget, these are generally the same people who have no problem embracing Jesse "Hymietown" Jackson and the always race-baiting (if entertaining) Al Sharpton. And they're also the same people who love to play the moral equivalence card when it comes to Israel and the Palestinians, Israel and Hezbollah, etc. So you'll pardon me if I find their sudden concern for the well-being of the Jews not very convincing. (Not that she'll ever read this, but this means you, Arianna, you morally bankrupt, self-absorbed, self-serving, soulless, sycophantic piece of trash.)

Like my friend Nicky, Mel Gibson has a disease. But his disease is not anti-Semitism, it is alcoholism. Those who know him seem to back up this statement:
"I have been with Mel when he has fallen off," says producer Dean Devlin, who had spent the afternoon before the arrest with Gibson, "and he becomes a completely different person. It is pretty horrifying."

And horrified is exactly how Devlin and many of Gibson's friends felt when they heard that the actor-director, in the course of his arrest for drunk driving, made sexist and anti-Semitic remarks, including one that quickly became infamous: "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson has since been charged with two misdemeanor counts of driving under the influence of alcohol.

Devlin and Tom Sherak, a partner at Revolution Studios who once headed distribution at 20th Century Fox, had spent last Thursday afternoon screening Devlin's upcoming film "Flyboys" for Gibson, and Gibson seemed very much himself.

"We were kidding around, talking about our kids, he was very friendly," said Sherak, who met Gibson while working on "Braveheart." Gibson, he added, had a trailer of his new film, "Apocalypto," that he was very excited about. "We talked about the shoot and he was just very upbeat, not stressed out at all."

Said Devlin: "I consider Mel one of my best friends in Hollywood." Devlin met Gibson while co-producing "The Patriot," in which Gibson starred.

"The day this happened, my wife had gotten this long letter from Mel full of congratulations [for the birth of the Devlins' first child] and talking about the joys of being a parent," Devlin said. "She's Jewish. I'm Jewish. If Mel is an anti-Semite, then he spends a lot of time with us, which makes no sense. But he is an alcoholic, and while that makes no excuse for what he said, because there is no excuse, I believe it was the disease speaking, not the man."

His sentiments were shared by longtime Gibson friend Jodie Foster, who, upon hearing the news while on the New York set of her new film, refused to believe it.

"Someone told me what had happened, and I said, 'That is just so not true,' " she said. When it was confirmed, Foster said, she was stricken with deep sadness that a man she considers "one of the nicest, most honest men I have ever met" had taken such a fall. Although she and Gibson speak regularly, Foster had no idea he was drinking again.

"Is he an anti-Semite? Absolutely not," Foster said. "But it's no secret that he has always fought a terrible battle with alcoholism. I just wish I had been there, that I had been able to say, 'Don't do it. Don't take that drink.' "

Like Devlin, she does not believe that drunkenness excuses hurtful remarks, but she bristles at accusations in the media that Gibson is using his alcoholism as a "get out of jail free" card from charges of anti-Semitism.

"It is a horrible disease, and it affects everyone differently," Foster said. "I do not have personal experience with addiction, but I have seen it take many paths in people I know. For some, it is a soft slide off the barstool, and some experience true psychotic episodes."
I submit to you that if Gibson were a true anti-Semite there is no way he could have had a career in Hollywood for over 25 years without anybody with whom he worked or interacted having a clue as to his true nature. And if a drunk man's words truly are a sober man's thoughts, how do we account for the many years that the hard-partying Gibson somehow managed to refrain from blaming all the world's problems on the Jews?

So why did Gibson say the reprehensible things he did? Did the teachings of his father, who actually does appear to be a classic anti-Semite if ever there were one, spew forth unbidden? Did the emotion from the many hits Gibson took over The Passion manifest itself in an alcoholic haze? Honestly, I have no idea. Which I think is a more honest answer then you'll get from most of the major players in this debate. All I know is that what Devlin and Foster said about Gibson is similarly true of Nick Brendon, so there must be something to it.

I hope my gentile friends will forgive my chutzpah in saying that those who rush to condemn Mad Mel to burn in hell for all eternity seem to me un-Christian to the extreme. (Not that he'll ever read this, but this means you, Andrew Sullivan.)

Friday, July 28, 2006

God Bless Colbert

If you didn't see him eviscerate Eleanor Holmes Norton last night on The Colbert Report, Allahpundit's got the video here. I'm tempted to say thank God Norton doesn't vote, but really she's no more idiotic than those who do.

As the once-funny Jon Stewart becomes more and more openly unhinged by Bush Derangement Syndrome, praise Allah for Colbert, who recognizes that true political comedy genius lies in making even those who disagree with you laugh.

By the way, if you haven't seen Colbert get Congressman Robert Wexler to explain why he likes cocaine and prostitutes, click here.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Ve vere invited! Punch vas served! Check mit Poland!


"I vill hear no more insinuations about ze German people! Nothing bad happened! Sie werden sich hinsetzen! Sie werden ruhig sein! Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!"

The Pelican Grief

From Reuters:
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Four pelicans suspected of being drunk on sea algae were being tested at a Southern California wildlife center Saturday after one of them crashed headlong into a car.

Three of the California brown pelicans were found wandering dazed in the streets of Laguna Beach after another pelican struck a vehicle's windshield on a nearby coast road.

It suffered internal injuries and a long gash in its pouch and was undergoing toxicology tests.

Officials at the Wildlife Care Center said the seabirds may have been under the influence of algae in the ocean that can produce domoic acid poisoning when eaten.

The other pelicans were rounded up after assistant wildlife director Lisa Birkle warned the public to be on the lookout for birds acting "drunk," disoriented or being in an unusual place.
So now acting drunk, disoriented or being in an unusual place is a crime? There was a time we called that "college." I went to college in Manhattan, and one time my friend Mike and I decided it was a great idea to walk back from a bar down the middle of Broadway, into incoming traffic. There was a cop car sitting a couple of blocks up and the friendly officers turned on their loudspeaker and said "Okay rocket scientists get out of the road." They invited us over to the car and Mike informed them that we were very drunk. This didn't suprise them - I guess they were detectives or something. We promised them we'd behave and they let us go and later that night we stole the front door off the fraternity house next door. But now if Lisa Birkle gets her way, this kind of good clean fun will be a thing of the past. And the terrorists will have won.

By the way, let me save you some time. Ebay doesn't have any more sea algae.

Clone Sex

From UK's The Sun:
KINKY actress Katherine Heigl says she loves having sex with her lover in handcuffs.

The gorgeous Grey's Anatomy actress, 27, who has just got engaged to musician Josh Kelley, told FHM: "There's never enough sex for me.

"The guy I'm dating now is so f***ing fantastic in bed that half the time I just want to leave the handcuffs on and say 'I've got to run a few errands, but don't move - I'll be back'."

Katherine who plays Dr Izzie Stevens in Channel Five's US hospital drama, was raised a Mormon but loves action between the sheets.

She added: "I feel that everybody deserves fantastic sex and should settle for no less. I work hard I deserve it."

This is probably the best argument for cloning that I have ever seen. Also for ex-Mormonism. Although I like Mormons because they rarely mooch smokes off of me, and when they do they're very polite about it.

I used to think it wasn't fair that polygamists could have more than one wife but now I just feel sorry for them. I also feel like dancing. Back soon.

It's a Really Wonderful Life

From Contact Music:
Movie great JAMES STEWART was forced to prove he wasn't gay by bedding two hookers, according to an explosive new biography. Movie mogul LOUIS B MAYER reportedly instructed the IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE star to prove to him he wasn't a homosexual before offering him a film deal, sending the actor off to find a couple of prostitutes. The shocking claim is made by MARC ELIOT in his new tome JIMMY STEWART - A BIOGRAPHY, which is set to hit bookshelves this autumn (06). Eliot claims Meyer demanded Stewart prove he wasn't gay by visiting a Hollywood brothel and bedding "at least two of those broads". The biographer claims the young Stewart was so charged by the sexual experience, it sparked a string of romances with Tinseltown's leading ladies.

Other good excuses for seeing hookers:
It's payday.

My team lost in overtime.

I was out of beer.

While walking down the street I spilled my drink, slipped on the ice, and banged my head, knocking me unconscious. Hookers found me and took me in as one of their own, bathing me in fragrant oils and drying me with their tongues. I barely managed to escape. (True story.)

It's Tuesday.

"Honey, I'm just going out for some smokes."

I was horny and the torn cartilage in my wrists was acting up.

Every time I see a hooker, an angel gets its wings.

Someone switched my Xanax with Cialis.

I need to do research for a post on excuses for seeing hookers.

I'm Back

Some random thoughts while I recover from my trip:

I love Joe Biden. I love how Joe Biden loves him some Joe Biden. All politicians love themselves, but Joe Biden takes self-love to a level that would make Narcissus shake his head and say, “Dude,” before slowly backing out of the room. The only thing Joe Biden needs to do to make me love him more is start referring to himself in the third person. Also, Joe Biden should always be called by his full name. It’s just one of those names, like Genghis Khan or Chi Chi LaRue. Have you noticed that Joe Biden suffers from inappropriate smile syndrome? Watch Joe Biden when the Senate Judiciary Committee is holding a hearing and it’s his turn to pretend to ask questions. He may be reading from his notes (wearing those ab fab half-glasses!) or just droning on about the pet hamster he had as a kid that taught him some valuable lesson, but literally every 5 or 10 seconds he’ll look up at the poor sap who’s supposed to be answering questions and give him a big smile. I think this is supposed to convey sincere reassurance but it’s so obviously phony and bizarre that it gives him more of an “I could very easily cut you into McNugget-sized pieces with a chainsaw and store your body parts in my Sub-Zero” vibe. We could do with more of this in our leaders. That’s why I also love John Bolton – he’s exactly what we need in an ambassador to an organization composed of thieving bureaucrats and murdering tyrants. You just know Johnny wouldn’t hesitate to stick a serrated blade in someone’s gut and twist it until a good portion of the intestine was hanging out, which he would then slurp down as if it were Mom’s linguini after football practice.


I remember when I first heard about the Senate trying to pass a law against flag burning, I thought they were passing a law against flab burning. This got me excited figuring out how much time I would save by not going to the gym until I realized that the answer was "no time." Back when I was working out I once shared a "pec deck" with Fabio at Crunch Gym in Hollywood. I thought to myself, "He's very pretty." Then I looked at how much weight he was using and decided to keep that thought to myself. I'm glad I did. Honestly it's not even that he was that pretty, it was more that my girlfriend and I had recently broken up. Good times, though, working out with Fabio. If my girlfriend hadn't dumped me we might be married by now and I could tell our kids about the time I worked out with Fabio. But I guess now that will never happen.

Where did all the Maker's Mark go?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A Treasonable Discussion

So I got this unsolicited email today from someone named Jason J:


Elections are coming up. ABI has updated their immigration report cards. Please do NOT vote for any Republican (or Democrat) with a grade of 'B' or lower on their immigration report card.

Report cards:

Please do NOT support any Republican weak on immigration.

As many conservative intellectuals have recently said, the Constitution says that politicians have a duty to protect the U.S. and its borders.

Any support of a guest-worker program is treason. Do not support politicians guilty of treason, like G.W. Bush, Ted Kennedy, John McCain, Hillary Clinton, Sam Brownback, Mike DeWine, Arlen Specter, or Lindsey Graham.

Again, do NOT support Republicans weak on immigration.

If you only have liberal Republicans in your area, then vote third party (Constitution Party, etc.).

Do NOT support treason.

Here's my response:

I support a guest-worker program. I'm also a veteran of the United States Army. You've just accused me of treason.

I urge you to tell me where you live so we can discuss this face-to-face. I also urge you not to make any plans for after this discussion.



Monday, July 17, 2006

Why I Can't Hate Bush

Bush expressed his frustration with the United Nations and his disgust with the militant Islamic group and its backers in Syria as he talked to British Prime Minister Tony Blair during the closing lunch at the Group of Eight summit.

“See the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s--- and it’s over,” Bush told Blair as he chewed on a buttered roll.

Fuckin' A!

Complete transcript, including my personal favorite, "Yo, Blair":
Bush to Putin: I gotta leave by 2:15. They want me out of town so they can free up your security forces.

No, just going to make it up. I'm not going to talk too long like the rest of them. Some of these guys talk too long.

Gotta go home. Got something to do tonight. How about you? Where are you going home? This is your neighborhood doesn't take you long to get home.

You eight hours? Me too. Russia’s a big country and you’re a big country. Takes him eight hours to fly home. Not Coke, diet Coke. Russia’s big and so is China.

Yo, Blair. What are you doing? Are you leaving?

Blair: No, not yet. On this trade thing…

Bush: Yeah, I told that to (inaudible). If you want me to. I just want some movement. Yesterday I didn't see much movement. The desire to move.

Blair: It may be that it’s impossible.

Bush: I'll be glad to say. Who's introducing me?

Blair: Angela

Bush: Well tell her to call on it. Well, tell her to put me on the spot.

Thanks for the sweater; it was awfully thoughtful of you. I know you picked it out yourself.

Blair: Oh, absolutely!

What about Kofi Annan? I don't like the sequence of it. His attitude is basically cease-fire and everything else happens.

I think the thing that is really difficult is you can’t stop this unless you get this international presence agreed.

Bush: She's going. I think Condi's going to go pretty soon.

Blair: Well that's all that matters. If you see, it will take some time to get out of there. But at least it gives people…

Bush: It's a process I agree. I told her your offer too.

Blair: Well it's only…or if she's gonna or if she needs the ground prepared as it were. See if she goes out, she's got to succeed as it were, where as I can just go out and talk.

Bush: See the irony is what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s--- and it's over.

Blair: Because I think this is all part of the same thing. What does he think? He thinks if Lebanon turns out fine, if he gets a solution in Israel and Palestine, Iraq goes in the right way, he's done it. That's what this whole things about. It's the same with Iran.

Bush: I felt like telling Kofi to get on the phone with Assad and make something happen. We're not blaming Israel and we're not blaming the Lebanese government.

This is the kinda stuff that drives Europeans and American liberals crazy, because God forbid a world leader talk like a human being. See, if you let that happen, the peepul might get the nutty idea that they don't have to be ruled by a self-appointed political "elite." And that's just crazy talk!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Cranky and The Hedgehog

As promised, here's a picture of me 'n Ron Jeremy, aka The Hedgehog, taken back in 2002 when I was Hollywood Boy.

For me the most impressive thing about this picture is the perfect dimple in my tie.